Grandad’s and Lizzy’s was my second home since I could ever remember. You could smell the linger of jasmine in the garden as soon as you stepped out from the car. Smells of Jasmine made me feel calm, it was a relaxing smell but it gave me a sense of sweetness as it touched my nose. Edging closer to door Lizzy yells out my name and with a sense of excitement she stands for hug. The warmth of a hug from her could make everything better. My name rings in my ear,
“Sam come look at this!”
What has grandad got to show me now. Dawdling down the hall, the paintings on the walls catch my attention. They sit as if they have a story to tell. Vibrant and colourful, so loud, as if to say, ‘look at me, look at me.’This was what it felt like, happiness, not the feeling when you get given a lolly but true happiness. True happiness is a feeling of peace and a world with no worries and this was where I felt my own true happiness. Never could I imagine grandads house to be any different, it felt so much like home. Throws pile on the olive green couches that sit in a huddle within the living room. Pillows sit in line like soldiers in the sunlit window box. Wandering through to the kitchen the smell of chocolate chip cookies drifts through the air from behind the pantry.
Slowly the day disappears behind the clouds and night emerges across the sky. Clutching the varnished wood rail I ascend up stairs. Bed patiently waits for me to climb beneath the quilted duvet. Through the gap of my half-opened door I can just see Lizzy waving at me as if to say goodnight. Beginning to shut my eyes a little fluffy white creature hops up on my bed and snuggles in, little Monty.
Sun beams stream through what seem to be transparent curtains as I wake to start the day. Scents of burnt toast and eggs fills the air. Just the smell of it tickles my tastebuds making me want a taste. Slowly I start to sit up and pull the covers back to stretch my legs. Hobbling down the stairway, I find Lizzy with a tray full of breakfast and a big smile. Her smile made me smile, it felt as though her happiness filtered right through me, in a way I felt content.
Wednesday 16th December 2015. Time had ended in that instance, not for me, not for the world, for Lizzy. The sweetness of jasmine still remained in the air, it made me feel so calm and collected but then the memories flooded in. It gave me a tingling feeling of nonexistence, it felt as though my body was left behind as my head wandered in distant land. Far away, my head wandered to a place of happiness, if it was happiness why did I feel sad? They were reminders of her life and the amazing person she was. Continuing to walk down the drive, I can hear the soft sobbing and faint sound of joyful tears. That may have been a good sign but still how could I face that. I didn’t know how. How were you meant to talk to anyone, when you were so lost yourself, and they were in a world of mourning. Expecting to be hit with a world of pain, all I felt was a paralysed nothingness. Grandad didn’t say anything, he just held me tight in a hug, a hug that I thought would never end. What used to be a place full of happiness and homeliness now felt numb. Paintings still sat on the wall, but they had changed. Looking at them they become colourless, hanging on the walls, dark and dull. They didn’t want to be seen anymore. Friends and family sat upon the olive green couches, yet they sat in quietness. Turning around to the window box, the pillow soldiers stood tall yet there was no glimpse of sunlight . The panty remained untouched. Thoughts of eating anything wasn’t on anyone’s mind. Slowly the day disappears behind the clouds and night emerges across the sky. Clutching the varnished wood rail I ascend up stairs. Collapsing beneath the quilted duvet I peer through the gap in my half-opened door. She wasn’t there and I knew that but I could see her, for a second I thought it was real, her creased and wrinkled face, her great big smile and big blue eyes with perfectly combed hair. So scared that the moment I look away her reflection would unveil the truth and the truth was she was gone. We were all holding on tight not just me, we weren’t ready to say goodbye, because in away goodbye made it too real. Melting away in my dreams of our memories we made, day comes alive and the realisation sets in.
Today was the real goodbye, our time to let go. Slowly gripping the handle I pull it out and wait for the click to suddenly open the car door to venture the memory of her. We walk together, seeing so many faces, some so familiar and some not known, I clench mums hand and hold on tight. Then I see the most familiar face. He, so tall, blue eyes and blonde hair. Wrapping his arms around me, so gentle like. It seems as though I haven’t seen him in forever, he seems so grown up. Memories we made together with Lizzy; they were such a treasure for us. How were we meant to let go?